How To Nurture An Emotionally Intelligent Child?

Emotional intelligence is one of the keys to leading a successful and happy life.

Have you ever voiced out to anyone how scared you are to see youngsters nowadays? Your fear of seeing how adolescent is susceptible to negative behaviours or even self-destructive manners. Will your child ever survive from those dreadful influences? Or have you ever wondered why your toddler is too impulsive and likely to show tantrums? If only parenting is easy...

Yet some parents are lucky. Their children are able to control impulses, sensitive towards the feelings of others, not easily succumb to temptations, excellent in schools and even good at socialising. Why can't I have kids like them? You may ask. The truth is you will never get a solution by probing such a question. Fortunately, you are likely to discover the solutions if you start asking yourself how.

One of the answers for that is to raise an emotionally intelligent child. Researchers have discovered that emotional intelligence is one of the keys to leading a successful and happy life. Peter Salovey and John Mayer, who first coin the concept of emotional intelligence in 1990, refer to a person with high emotional intelligence as someone who can better perceive emotions, use them in thought, understand their meanings and manage emotions better than others. Daniel Goleman, who popularizes the concept in 1995, implies that emotional intelligence can matter more than IQ.

Ever since the introduction of the concept, emotional intelligence has been identified as something valuable to develop in children. According to John Gottman, the author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Children, children who are emotionally intelligent have the ability to control impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, read other people's social cues and cope with life's ups and downs.

The famous "marshmallow studies" at Stanford University found that kids who were able to resist temptation had a better score in SAT compared to their peers. The study supports what Goleman has said, "Intellect cannot work at its best without emotional intelligence".

Charlotte Reznick, child and educational psychologist and Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UCLA, commended the concept of emotional intelligence because it seize the essence of what children need to know to be productive and happy.

Yes, it would be great to have a child who is emotionally intelligent. But how do we raise such a kid? Maybe some children are born with high emotional intelligence. What about those who are not? Emotional intelligence, just like any other trait, is said to develop from hereditary and environmental factors. Hence parenting plays a significant part. Olive M. Morton, a psychotherapist from California, suggests that parents who learn to recognize and understand the development of the brain and emotions of their infants, beginning from conception through the first 18 months of life, will likely to be successful in guiding their children.

Morton, in her article Parents' Early Choices Affect Children's Emotional Intelligence, cites a research done by Nobel Prize winners, Torsten Wiesel and David Hubel. The research discovers that parents can best lay foundations of self-esteem and emotional security during pregnancy and the first 18 months after birth. According to the research, emotional circuits of the brain are most sensitive to programming during these periods. That reminds us not to take parenting for granted during these crucial times! Knowing this, pregnant mothers would definitely give a second thought when ever they start to feel moody. Husbands would also think twice before they get impatient with their pregnant wives. In other words, it is crucial for parents to have positive feelings especially during these delicate moments.

John Gottman recommends that parents practice 'emotion coaching' with their children. In his studies the writer discovers that parents who consistently apply emotion coaching have children who are better in their physical health and score higher academically than children whose parents do not practice such guidance. These children are healthy emotionally where they experience fewer negative feelings and more positive feelings.

He elaborates that emotion coaching involves in five steps. They include the parents become aware of the child's emotion; recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching; listen empathetically, validating the child's feelings; help the child find words to label the emotion he is having; and set limits while exploring strategies to solve the problem at hand.

Author of Help! I have Children, Sarah Chana Radcliffe, refers to emotional coaching as the naming and accepting of an emotion as it occurs. She points out that it is significant for parents to acknowledge and accept their child's feelings before trying to educate them. For instance, have you ever encountered a situation where your child is screaming or crying because he could not get what he wanted? When your child is experiencing an emotional uproar, it is important to emphatically acknowledge his feelings, says Radcliff. She however cautions parents not to immediately continue with a lesson afterwards. Instead, give a space for your child to calm down. Your kid is more likely to accept your words once he is composed.

You may wonder does emotion (or emotional) coaching put a stop to discipline. Thankfully, it does not. In fact, according to Gottman, when you and your children are emotionally close, what you says matter to them. The young ones will care more about what you think and therefore it is easier to discipline them. The writer further proposes that emotion coaching may help parents in guiding and motivating their children.

According to the writer of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, Maurice Elias, your kids observe and extract huge amount of even your indirect conversations, where you talk to your parents, friends, relatives or just anybody. His statement rings us a bell. No matter how well we are at preaching our kids, they will not likely to accept the lessons unless we set them a good example. How many of us who always tell our kids to behave nicely but we ourselves easily lose our temper, let say, on the road? Probably it's time for us to start learning how to walk our talk. Once we set more good examples to our children, teaching them will be much successful.

Home sweet home and home is where the heart is. But how many kids nowadays feel stressful when they are at home? Elias promotes parents to provide a fun environment in their home. He sees fun as a medicine for the body for it creates laughter, which is good for our blood circulation, immune system and therefore generates a clear thinking. His suggestion does make sense. We have seen a lot of kids who come from a cheerful and happy family perform well academically and socially. Providing a fun environment in the house may not be easy for some, but there's always a first step for everything.

Each one of us stands a chance to raise an emotionally intelligent child. However, raising such a one will not happen by just absorbing all the concepts and guidelines through reading, attending seminars and so forth - although it is crucial for a good start. The process goes further once parents are ready to give their commitment. It is not easy and takes time, but for the sake of our precious little ones, being patient to embrace the process is more than worthy. And we may not want to procrastinate on this, because motivation without actions will lead us to no where.